In the spirit of the classic Miss Manners and Dear Abby columns, this page is set up for you, the readers, to pose your questions about common sense and courtesy that don’t necessarily relate to any article I’ve already written. I’ll try my best to answer all of them from my own point-of-view. Maybe you can give me ideas for future articles, areas I haven’t yet covered? I hope so.
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Dear Joe:
Over the weekend I took a greatly needed trip to Target. Eagerly, I got out of my car and then realized that my parking was complete crap (meaning that I was a bit too close to the car on my right). Anywways, I opted not to re-park because I had not been to Target for a month! I wanted to go inside already. Anyways, I came back out two hours later and I found a note on my dirty window! The method: their finger acted as pen and my dirty window acted as paper! It read: GREAT PARKING. Their chosen form of communication let me believe that they were not only commenting on my bad parking job, but also on my dirty car. Aside from the fact that I have bad etiquette for not re-parking, do you think that writing on a person’s car is bad etiquette?
Thank you for your time, etiquette Joe.
Great question. Whenever I encounter a situation like this, I remember that great scene in Pulp Fiction, where John Travolta’s character tells his drug dealer about his car getting keyed the day he took it out of storage. He says something to the effect of “You don’t touch another man’s car.”
It’s an unspoken rule that’s been around as long as cars have been around. No doubt, its origin stems from some ancient machismo thing, but it’s a good rule, nonetheless, and it applies no matter what the sex of the car’s owner.
So I’d say that your dirt scribe was definitely in the wrong to write on your car. Luckily, the ultimate effect is one of embarrassment, rather than permanent physical damage. So it’s a misdemeanor, at best.
Let me ask this: Was the other car facing the same direction as yours? In other words, did your too-close park job make it next to impossible for him or her to get into the driver’s seat without a shoehorn? That would be grounds for a legitimate complaint on his or her part, though, again, I would have chosen to write a note on a piece of paper, rather than on the window. Or I just would have cursed you under my breath and went my merry way.
As far as commenting on your dirty car, there’s no call for that. It’s your car. Keep it as clean or dirty as you want. It’s not like the dirt on your car is migrating over to anyone else’s car.
Most likely you’re dealing with a juvenile here, whether in fact or just personality. Either way, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it.
Dear Etiquette Joe,
(Querida Brenda, no te enojas.)
Brownie Beza is exagerating–she and I were at a Target together in D.C. I have pictures to prove it.
Is it okay to exagerate for effect when telling a story? I use hyperbole all the time, much like my sister-friend Brownie Beza.
Well, being of partially-Irish descent myself, I have to say that if I were to rule out hyperbole as bad etiquette, most of my family’s best stories would have to go out the window.
The late great George Carlin once said that all comedy is based on hyperbole. One aspect of the joke, or the sketch, or whatever, has to be way out of whack in order to make it stand out against the rest of reality. Like a caricature drawing.
Mark Twain often used the opposite, more subtle and difficult effect known as understatement.
Ms Beza exaggerated the length of time since her last Target visit in order to give the average non-Target addict a better sense of the anxiousness she was feeling, which led to her (by her own admission) lapse in etiquette. Sure, it wasn’t entirely literally accurate, but it conveyed the truth more effectively to the reader in a way, no?
Dear Etiquette Joe,
I was not really exaggerating because my sister-friend and I did not find a Target until our very last week in DC. Also, our Target DC trip was under 20 minutes, which does not count as a full Target trip…at least not for a hardcore Target shopper. “I will not stay here for long. I just need underwear to last me until I get home,” stated sister-friend Shortie. I frowned and followed her around looking for undies. I was lucky enough that she even allowed me to stop by the dollar section! So yes, I was quite eager to get into Target when the incident occurred.
As for your questions, Joe: my car was facing the same way as the other car and he/she had enough space to get into the drivers seat. Ok, maybe our back bumpers were a little closer than I would like to admit, but there is no need to write on my mother’s dirty car (yes, it was my mother’s mini-van b/c my car is back in Austin).
Thank you for your time. God bless you for having so much patience with my sister-friend.
Brownie
Well, I appreciate you clearing all that up. Perhaps sister-friend and you should have a conversation about this “Target tension” I sense building up between you. I’m steering clear of that one, both because it’s not my place to come between friends, and also because I have a slight conflict of interest, since I know sister-friend just a little bit better than I know you.
If the driver could get into the vehicle without much trouble, then there really was no call for the window message. As I said, you were dealing with a juvenile person and shouldn’t get too worked up about it. But be comforted by the fact that your very minor infraction of etiquette didn’t warrant the response you received.
Always happy to help.
Dear Etiquette Joe,
My sister-friend has committed a faux pas. How can she tell the whole world that I was shopping for undies at TARGET???!!! I don’t want the world to think I don’t have taste. For the record, my favorite lingerie sources are Agent Provocateur, Nancy Meyer and occasionally Bluefly.
I don’t want my sister-friend to come back at me and accuse me of not having the perfect lingerie wardrobe. One step at a time. Still, I’m “Adorned in Dreams.” And my dreams don’t include Target.
I think you’ve touched on a theme here that will be deserving of its own entry eventually. Just what is fair game when telling a story that involves a friend to a third party? Are some details meant to be private, and thus off limits? Who decides what is private information, and what is to be shared with everyone? Particularly on the web, where these things can clearly be seen by millions of people, potentially.
Privacy is one of the biggest challenges we face in the 21st century.
Thanks for the idea.
Dear Etiquette Joe and sister-friend:
**Sigh**There is NO shame in shopping for undies at Target!!! I’m exhausted and will leave it at that. Stay tuned for my next story.
On a final note, is it bad etiquette to ask my sister-friend’s boyfriend to contibute to her iPhone fund–a fund that I am co-chairing? It’s a cause that I thoroughly believe in…have you seen her phone? Holy crap.
I don’t think it’s bad form to ask for a contribution, particularly if you know sister-friend is a good-hearted person who doesn’t want to ask for herself because she doesn’t want her relationship to be about material things. I’m guessing boyfriend would be happy to contribute, especially once he realized that his nice girlfriend was hesitant to ask despite her obvious need for a new phone.
Dear Joe,
On Saturday, my eldest niece and I had lunch at Chick-filA. While parking I noticed the Chick-filA mascot (an employee in a cow suit with a t-shirt that read: eat more chicken) making his/her rounds at the tables located outside. I noticed that the annoying mascot/employee was interupting people as they ate. Ordinarily, restaurant mascots go around waving at people, specifically children who are excited about seeing a walking cow.
Anyways, this cow was different. He would stay at each table for a good solid minute; and it didn’t matter if people were alone chowing down. He would stop at the table and start to do some weird mime crap.
I was in a very irritable mood, so I told my niece, “He better not bother me. I’m starving and grumpy. I want to eat in peace.” Minutes later the damn cow comes inside the restaurant and goes to every table making weird motions to find out whether patrons are enjoying their food while simulatenously interupting their fastfood eating experience. When he came to my table I cracked a smile and glared at him while the people across from me were laughing their asses off.
Do you think this mascot/employee made a major error in etiquette by interupting people’s eating experience with his nonsensical body motions? Personally, I don’t like strangers interupting my meals, especially not restaurant mascots. I was so upset and thought about complaining to the manager, but I chose not to.
Eventually, I plan a whole series of articles about restaurants, focusing on both customers and employees. This story gives me another great idea for an entry. I have often been bothered by such employee antics, so I can relate to you completely. However, before laying all your ire on the cow, it would be important to first know whether or not he/she was specifically instructed by management to address every table in that way. Often, managers get the false impression that everyone wants to be overwhelmed with welcoming employees, pouring their good cheer all over the customers to make them feel more at home. Personally, I’d rather they concentrated on getting me my food faster.
The biggest manifestation of this is the “greeter” phenomenon at many retail stores. Employees specifically hired just to say hi, who have no other value to me as a customer whatsoever.
I can’t stand it when employees hover over me, talk to me for no apparent reason, or slow down my shopping experience in any way. I’ll come to you if I need help, thank you. But a large part of our population, research has shown, reacts very favorably to this behavior, and actually gets upset when the mascot doesn’t spend enough time with them, so to speak. So it’s a double-edged sword.
If nothing else, the mascot should have sensed you didn’t want to converse with a cow at that point from the look on your face, and begged off after a few seconds. But that takes a level of people reading skills that not everyone possesses. So you may have to cut the cow a little slack, I’m afraid.
Dear Brownie,
I can completely understand why you would be upset with the cow at Chic -filA. It sounds like you were part of a surreal movie, against your will. I don’t agree with Etiquette Joe. Is the cow/employee a mere puppet? No. He or she needs to read this blog, so maybe you could write to the manager to advise accordingly. Also, maybe they could have flags up at each table that say “Cow Please” or “No Cow Please.”
It is very rude for anyone, or anything to interrupt a meal and derail a conversation the diners are having. This happens quite often where I live. A roommate will listen to a conversation my brother and I are having and interject an opinion. Or come to the dinner table and say, “I want to tell you something.” And then the roommate goes on for a good 10 minutes, completely unaware of the conversation being sabotaged.
Etiquette Joe, how do you think this situation should be handled? My brother stares straight ahead, not looking at the roommate, chewing his food and not saying a word in response. Other times, he indulges, and allows the intrusion. I usually nod my head and say polite words.
I think it would depend on your level of comfort with said roommate. There are certainly ways to hint that this behavior is inappropriate. Perhaps using humor, or body gestures. Your brother’s attempts to ignore appear to be too subtle for this particular person. So more obvious paths are going to be needed.
When all else fails, there’s nothing wrong with stopping the person and saying “Hey. We were in the middle of something here.” Or “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”
It’s a hard situation, because sometimes people don’t mind the interruption, or even welcome it, depending on the situation. I’ve always favored one-on-one conversations over group discussions, but a lot of people are afraid of talking to just one person. They want someone else to take over the responsibility of keeping the words flowing. Reading people’s reactions, their body language, their tone, is a really high-level skill. Knowing when to butt out of someone else’s conversation seems simple enough, yet very few people are really good at it. So there must be more to it than it seems. It takes a good deal of listening and comprehension skill; you need to care about what other people are thinking, and whether or not they are comfortable. In my experience, a lot of people don’t think about the other people in the room at all when they talk. When someone else is talking, they’re just thinking about what to say next.
Dear Etiquette Joe,
Earlier this week I went out on a “semi-date” and I have questions about proper guy etiquette. This is kind of a messy situation as this guy I asked out is my parents realtor and my aunt’s coworker/friend. Anyways, he had expressed interest in knowing about me, but not asking me questions directly. Instead, he would ask my mother.
I met this guy three weeks ago and there was an obvious spark between us. Given that I leave for school on the 24th of this month I went ahead and emailed him to ask if he wanted to watch a documentary with me. He agreed and we went out this past Tuesday. He seems like a shy guy, so there was conversation but it felt like there was a lot of unspoken tension between us, etc. Plus, he did ask me when I was leaving, when I would be coming back, etc. Well, right before the film started he asked me, “To what do I owe the honor of being asked to hang out with you?” I replied, “What, we can’t be friends?” He said, “Of course we can.” Then he proceeded to ask me if my mother knew about us hanging out together. I told him she knew.
Then he started invading my space. Clearly he was trying to make some kind of move, but it wasn’t as easy he thought it would be. Then he fell asleep towards the end of the documentary! I found it quite hilarious. I didn’t know whether I should wake him up or not because I REALLY had to go pee. I thought to myself, “If I go to the bathroom and he wakes up he’ll think I ditched him; but if I wake him up and he is startled and makes all this noise during the movie it could be embarrassing.” So I opted to take my chances by waking him up. Although I think he could have been faking it because he was too sound a sleeper and looked very attractive sleeping. Most people do not.
I whispered in his ear, “Wake up. Let’s go.” I really felt bad that he was either sleepy and/or bored. I mean this guy drove from La Habra (he was showing a property) to UCI just to watch this documentary that he didn’t even know what it was about. I assured him I provided the link so he could peruse it before agreeing to come. He told me he didn’t care what it was about because he just saw an invitation from me and said yes. I thought these were all brownie points to say the least.
BUT back to his sleeping. He quickly reacted to my whispering and said, “No we’re staying to watch the end.” He started to kiss my cheek and then my forehead and was hugging me. I knew where this was going so I told him that I really needed to go to the bathroom, which I DID! He said, “Ok, I’ll wait right here.” When I came back into the theater he put his arm around me for the rest of the film. When it finished we quickly got up and he didn’t let go of me the whole time. He asked, “Where did you park?” I assured him that he didn’t have to walk me to my car. He said, “You don’t want me to walk you to your car?” I said, “Okay.” We made small talk as we walked over and I told him how bad I felt that he was so tired and he had come to watch this docu with me. He apologized and said that he had just woken up super early.
Anyways, we got to my car and we just stood there hugging. It was a long lingering hug and he kissed my forehead again. I knew he wanted to kiss me, but it wasn’t forceful. I think he was waiting for me to make the move. But I didn’t think kissing on a first date was appropriate since nothing had really been said. There was no “intimate CONVERSATION.” Plus, what did he think? That I was going to be a quick lay? I mean, clearly, the issue of my leaving is a thing to think about. Sigh. Basically, I’m really REALLY interested in this guy, but it is day 3 and I have heard nothing from him. Oh and I did ask him if I would see him later this week (as in maybe while he was showing the property) and his reply was, “Yeah, I might stop around your place.”
Is this a very bad sign? Would a guy get affectionate with a girl towards the end of the date if they weren’t interested? What do forehead and cheek kissed mean anyway in the whole realm of dating etiquette? Oh and I do know for a fact that he works everyday, is studying for his brokers exam (to be taken at the end of the month), and has some health issues he was supposed to resolve today. Do you think these could all be contributing factors to his delayed response?
HELP ME! I’m trying to stay positive. Sister Friend was not much help. She just laughed at my situation.
Puff